Fatgedies

I was eating some delicious corn tortilla chips the other day when I bit into one the wrong way and got a sharp corner to the gum. It was actually really painful and I had no idea a single chip could inflict such pain upon my poor unsuspecting gums. It led me to remember other fatgedies I've had.

I will first explain fatgedy to you all. It is a tragedy (like cutting your gum on a chip) done while eating fatty snacks. I have one particular fatgedy that I will share with you now...

I remember this one time when I really wanted to eat some tasty pizza. I brought it out of the oven and I was so excited to bite into the juicy, greasalicious cheese that I didn't even wait to see if the temperature was right. I bite in and immediately realized that my mouth was burning. I took the slice out of my mouth, but a small dollop of cheese dripped on my lip and burned it...no joke. Within minutes a small sad blister formed on my lip and I had to admit to those brave enough to ask that I actually burned my mouth shoving pizza in it. It was sad, but funny all at the same time.

I'm sure the chip incident is not the first or the last fatgedy I will endure. It is a risk you take when eating such delicious things. I actually have a photo of this blister that I will try and track down for all of my dedicated readers. Please share your fatty stories with me. :)

Podcasts...

So, I know podcasts have been out for a long time, but I'm finally catching on to how awesome they are.  I always feel semi inadequate compared to all of my cultured New York City coworkers.  They read the New Yorker, they see indie movies, they listen to smart people podcasts, etc...  I decided that I could do at least one of these things in an effort to seem as cool as they are.

I have come across three of the best podcasts ever (I say this having only listened to about 20 different podcasts, but still trust me).  There is this website called How Stuff Works, they also happen to have two podcasts called "Stuff you missed in History Class" and "Stuff you Should Know."  I'm not sure if those are the exact names, but I'm too lazy to look it up so you will have to deal with it.  The history class podcast is an unbelievable source of useless but fun information.  Today I learned that Marco Polo actually brought pasta back to Italy from China!  The Italians actually didn't come up with pasta the Chinese did!!  Crazy town.  I also learned where the phrase "peeping Tom" came from and many other fun facts.  I have to warn you that the hosts have really annoying voices, but when you think of how many games of trivial pursuit you will win you suffer through for the good of the nation.

The other stuff you should know podcast is awesome as well.  It has taught me all about bootlegging and that bootlegging actually ended up creating Nascar!  I know, so interesting!  So check it out.  The third best podcast would have to be This American Life.  Ira Glass has a nice and calming voice and the stories are very interesting.  These are all free so you have no excuse not to check them out.

These are my nerd tips of the day.  I have to think "Carolyn" (I put your name in quotes as if it was just allegedly your name) for her support and request of new blog.  There is more to come I am feeling awfully creative lately.

Inauguration Sensation!

So I have been asked a few times to blog about my inauguration experience, so here it goes...

I headed down to DC on Friday night.  I stayed with a couple fabulous friends of mine (Kate and Kyle) that live in Silver Spring, Maryland.  They showed me an amazing time in Baltimore and in DC, as well as shuffling me around to find a stupid microphone for my video camera (thanks to Stephanie too!).  We pretty much just relaxed on Saturday and then Sunday headed up to the National Mall for the big concert.  I came later than my friends, so meeting up with them became a problem.  I ended up lost and asking this guy in a bright jacket to help me with directions.  

It being DC it should've been no surprise that this man ended up being some Army big wig who has worked in the White House for years and is friends with the Bush's (I didn't hold that against him).  

Well Sunday I get a call from God...I mean Travis, my volunteer team leader, who asks me if I still want to be an official inauguration volunteer.  I said hells yes I do!!

I was so jazzed!  I signed up online to volunteer weeks before and was sadly rejected by one of those blue "hope" emails.  I was bummed at first, but decided to go down and enjoy the inauguration anyway.  I'm sure glad I did, because I obviously did end up volunteering and it was a cold and amazing experience.

My friend Kyle also volunteered that morning so at about 3:30am after three or so hours of sleep we woke up to brave the cold and the crowds.  Kyle may have forgotten to realize that the buses weren't running, so after 20 minutes in 28 degree weather we called a cab.  I arrived at the National Mall, my volunteer post, at 5:30am and tried desperately to stay warm.  

I met my team and they were a pretty cool and eclectic group of folks.  Young, old, different races, different backgrounds, it was fabulous.  Everyone was so friendly and welcoming and happy to be there despite the temperature.  We were stationed near a little pond of some sort and asked to direct people to the jumbotrons.  It was freezing and we periodically had to go warm up in the basement of the Lincoln Memorial, but just to be a part of it all was an experience I will never forget.

I watched the inauguration from one of the many jumbotrons stationed around the reflecting pool and just smiled at the history I was witnessing.  Say what you will about Obama's inexperience (Dad) or whatever else you have to say, but he has (whether deserved or not) inspired a huge amount of people.  To see him walk down the stairs and take the oath did bring tears to my eyes, because I actually looked at a politician and trusted him with my country.  

I have been criticized in the past for not being very patriotic, but over the last few years I have not really seen a reason to be proud of many of the things my country has done.  I am however deeply grateful for the freedoms I have and I am appreciative for those that have fought for those freedoms, however I do not think a lot of what we do now in the world is protecting those freedoms.  Anyway, I digress...

I am so grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life.  Seeing President Obama be inaugurated will definitely go down in my personal history book and until he does something real bad I will continue to be proud of him.  I hope we, as citizens, are able to contribute and make his presidency one of the best our countries has seen.  So do your part.  

If I could play music in here I would play the Queen's song because even though it has nothing to do with America I always get the tune stuck in my head when I'm thinking about the president.  You know the one...dun dun dundun dun dun 

dundun dundun...sassy queen.

Well shit...

Alright so you know how I was talking about my resolutions and how the year was good thus far because I had been able to go 8 days without seeing any hobo's privates. Well...it's over now.

Last night I went out to my boss' birthday party. I didn't want to go because I was having some Crohnsy issues (I will not elaborate for you) and it was cold as really cold stuff, but I went anyway. Because I was totally sober and quite poor I decided to take the subway rather than a cab. I waited FOREVER for the stupid F train and then transferred to the C train. As I got on the C train I had no clue what I was about to encounter.

As I sat down to play some Guitar Hero on Tour I was ready for the long trek home. I knew I had to beat Kiss "Rock and Roll at Nite," so I had plenty of practicing to do. As I walked on the train I smelled something pretty disgusting, but seeing as it's a New York City subway it was nothing out of the ordinary. I put my scarf over my face and went back to my wicked guitar playing. Right as the doors shut an older man threw his bag on the train and then jumped on himself. He was wearing a long coat and dark jeans, but still had a homeless aura to him. I could see he was struggling with his junk, but just assumed he was just doing something to himself (live in NYC for a little bit and you will see that this is not rarity).

After about a minute of this man shifting around he pulled up his coat and I realized that he was urinating on himself. He apparently could not stop and finally just gave up and yanked his pants down, squated, and just started shitpeeing all over the floor. Shitpeeing is some blend of shitting and peeing that I could not distinguish and didn't care to investigate. I was only about 7 feet away from him and could not believe what I was seeing. I was appalled, saddened, and bewildered. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. (Oh yeah I was also so disturbed by all of this that I got off the subway on the wrong stop and ended up having to take a cab the rest of the way home).

Typically I try and find humor in stuff like this, but something about this incident (in comparison with all of the other times I have witnessed homeless men doing gross things in public) really disturbed me. Maybe it was the idea that he couldn't control himself or that he felt it was okay to pull his pants down on a train. Either way I'm still trying to find humor in it. Until then I'll let you all laugh at my expense. Maybe 2010 will be my no homeless flashing year.

New Year, New You

Well hello 2009! I can't believe it's already 2009. I think the last three to four years of my life have flown by at a scary pace. I will start by saying New Years wasn't that fun as usual. Each and every year I prep myself to have an amazing New Years Eve. I pay too much to hang out at a bar with friends or with people I don't know and then I am let down in the end. Not because my friends aren't fun...they are, but honestly we hang out at a bar typically so why pay more money to do the same thing and have a random countdown at some point in the evening. Whatevs, next year I'm just going to hang out with the hobos for free and I'll bring some snacks so they'll like me more.

Beyond New Years Eve the year has been good these other 7 days. I'm trying to get into grad school and although I sucked up the entrance exam (I'm counting that as being a part of 2008 even though it was actually the 2nd of January) I've had a great year. My job is going well, my apartment is cleaner than it used to be and no hobos have flashed me yet. I would say it has been quite successful thus far.

As everyone typically does, I too, have decided on some New Year's resolutions. Here goes...

1. Work out more (I have become a blob in the last year)

2. Get into grad school

3. Stop getting flashed by hobos

4. Be be nicer to hobos

5. Work harder (I am lazy by nature)

6. Somehow talk to Tina Fey (or wait outside her apartment and yell (or throw) (soft) things at her)

7. Keep up with my amazing blog better

8. Continue to use bad and badder grammar so my dad's head explodes when I speak to him (haha that one's for you Dad :) )

9. Write my first novela -- about a love child named Divine

10. Become a drug addict, then go to rehab, then talk about how I had a drug habit, but I went to rehab all in an effort to get famous and sell more books

11. Write down more resolutions throughout the year that I will never actually complete.

12. Watch more Oprah, she inspires me to love myself and Dr. Oz makes me think I'm going to die tomorrow.

Well I think that's it for today. Come back again soon, because I promise to keep this updated.

Happy New Year!!!! Send me your resolutions that you'll never complete too!
Jules

Historical Hobos...

Well you had to know it would be just a matter of time before hobos once again became a part of my blog.  And lucky for you (my readers and fans) it is exactly that time!!  Woohoo!

So, in my very interesting neighborhood there is a half-way house/homeless home of some sort.  Often times the residents of said "home" hang out outside and say weird things to the people as they walk past.  Most of the time they ask for things, but today it was a very special historic fact that I was tossed.

As I stroll past my local McDonalds deciding whether or not I should go in my hobo friend slurs at me that today is the anniversary of JFK's assassination.  At first I didn't know what she said and I just thought to myself, "that lady is crazy in the brain," (think of me saying it in a sassy voice).  However, after processing what she actually said I realized that in fact she was sharing with me a delightful historical factoid!

I keep track of historical dates and what not and this one just completely slipped my mind.  I need to appreciate my local hobos more often because sometimes I just don't know what I would do without them.  God Bless us everyone. 

On a side note I have a little conspiracy theory that I stole from Strangers With Candy (the best show ever made).  Stephen Colbert says that Fidel Castro dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and gave Kennedy a case of syphilis so bad it blew the back of his head off.  Chew on that one.

The Pick Up Artist

Well I'm not sure if any of you enjoy crappy VH1 shows as much as I do, but I want to take this time to reflect upon the show, "The Pick Up Artist."  For those of you that don't know this show is about some creepy dude who has apparently figured out how to trick women into sleeping with him with no strings attached.  He wrote a book and now he has a show where he takes 9 socially retarded young men and teaches them how to have random sex with women who are dumb enough to fall for their tricks.  There are so many things wrong with this show I don't know where to start, but I suppose the fact that the man teaching these guys looks like a douche with his painted nails and goggles (no, he's not a swimmer) is a start.

I will start by saying I'm not sure who falls for "Mystery," the teachers fake name on the show.  He wears fuzzy hats, chain link shirts, and goggles that serve no purpose.  Maybe this is cute to some women, but I'm over it.  If he approached me in a bar I can safely say that no matter what he said I would still think he was a douche, but that's just me.  On top of that his whole schtick is teaching these sweet young dudes how to not be yourself and by doing that women will sleep with you.

I know dating is a game, I get that, but I think that the "art" of picking up women is ridiculous.  Obviously there's some validity to it or these dudes wouldn't have a show, but really who are the women this crap works on?  

So, the moral of the story is watching crappy TV will make you think about life and then you will be a better person...or something.