Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I Blame Dukakis

So my bestie from grad school and I were out on the town one night in grand ol' Boston, the city of brotherly bros. I kept telling my newish bestie that I'm awkward and when I hit on men I tend to insult them. Well, maybe insult is too strong. I poke fun at them because everyone wants someone that can give them a hard time right? I think I would like someone that made fun of me right out the gate! ...hmm perhaps this is also a problem of mine.

Anyway, so I see this cutsey boots Harvard Business School looking dude. I know, judge away, but sometimes I like men that wear suits to bars. Being the amazing lady casanova that I am I take some time and think of a perfect line to lay on Mr. HBS that will have him swooning over my hot self in no time!

So I take my swagger over to the bar area and lay down this gem, "You know I think those eyebrows went out of style after Dukakis lost the election." (I was told lots of people don't know who Dukakis is so I will tell you.)

Michael Dukakis: was the democratic nominee in the 1988 election to George Bush. He has very bushy eyebrows and he is known for them. This dude did know who Dukakis is because he happened to be working for Duval Patrick, the governor of Massachusetts, where Dukakis was also governor at one time.

Yes, he had big eyebrows. I believe I followed that line up with something about caterpillar eyebrows, but I can't be sure. I took his silence as a need to further clarify how bushy I thought his eyebrows were, but I still thought he was cute...that was my point.

My bestie would not stop laughing at me and she did finally believe how awkward I become when it comes to hitting on guys. I tried to tell her and she's the one that left me alone in the bar to come up with pick up lines on my own. So really it's her fault.

UPDATE: Caterpillars ended up making out with someone who wasn't me. I know, you're shocked.

It's been a while

Naturally, it's been a while since my last post. I spent my summer teaching in Honduras and traveling in Central America a bit. I will be posting some antics from my trip soon so please stay tuned all three of my faithful readers!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Dating Tip #1: Always poop before your date.

I know it's been a while, but there's been a lot of changes in my life. I have moved to Boston for grad school and it's been a trip. I can blog more about those things at a later date. I have dated here and there since my move, but I went a first date just this last Friday and I learned a very important lesson: Always poop before your date.

I took a one week intensive class this last week and I got out of class about an hour before said date was supposed to begin. I'd known I had to poop for a while before class ended, but I surely thought I would have plenty of time to release the troops before this date. Well class ends at about 4:15 and the date is set to begin around 5. We had some great guest speaks and teachers who I wanted to speak to and wouldn't you know it the next time I looked at the clock it was 5!

I am late to everything in life and I do make an effort to not be the first person to show up, but I didn't want to be too late. For those of you that know me my poops are often unpredictable and I just can't sit down and expect everything to go smoothly and quickly. I opted just to go for being on time to the date and not dropping the kids off at the pool. (I'm seeing how many poop euphemisms I can squeeze in here).

We grabbed some hot cocoa and as the coffee shop was busy I suggested we "walk around" even though it was 30 some degrees outside...DUMB. We walked around for a while and it was delightfully awkward. I'm totally the type of person to talk about my poops so I had to keep that in along with the turtle heads dying to poke their heads out! Of course along with needing to poop comes needing to toot, but I didn't want to scare this poor young man so fast.

Well after two hours of nonsensical, awkward first date talking I was so cold I could no longer squeeze my butt together to hold in my toots and I had to poop like you wouldn't believe. On a side note the reason I didn't opt to get a drink inside somewhere was because than I wouldn't have an out and I didn't want to go in a bathroom while he was waiting because as I said...you just never know what kind of time you'll need to invest.

So two hours later I couldn't feel my toes and couldn't hold in my farts. I had to cut out. I made up some excuse about needing to get ready for a birthday party than asked him to "hug it out." Yes, those were my words that's why I put them in quotes. It is probably also why I'm single.

Follow Up: I got home and pooped and it was delightful. I do have a second date. I have no photo I was comfortable with sharing on this post.