Monday, January 17, 2011

Dating Tip #1: Always poop before your date.

I know it's been a while, but there's been a lot of changes in my life. I have moved to Boston for grad school and it's been a trip. I can blog more about those things at a later date. I have dated here and there since my move, but I went a first date just this last Friday and I learned a very important lesson: Always poop before your date.

I took a one week intensive class this last week and I got out of class about an hour before said date was supposed to begin. I'd known I had to poop for a while before class ended, but I surely thought I would have plenty of time to release the troops before this date. Well class ends at about 4:15 and the date is set to begin around 5. We had some great guest speaks and teachers who I wanted to speak to and wouldn't you know it the next time I looked at the clock it was 5!

I am late to everything in life and I do make an effort to not be the first person to show up, but I didn't want to be too late. For those of you that know me my poops are often unpredictable and I just can't sit down and expect everything to go smoothly and quickly. I opted just to go for being on time to the date and not dropping the kids off at the pool. (I'm seeing how many poop euphemisms I can squeeze in here).

We grabbed some hot cocoa and as the coffee shop was busy I suggested we "walk around" even though it was 30 some degrees outside...DUMB. We walked around for a while and it was delightfully awkward. I'm totally the type of person to talk about my poops so I had to keep that in along with the turtle heads dying to poke their heads out! Of course along with needing to poop comes needing to toot, but I didn't want to scare this poor young man so fast.

Well after two hours of nonsensical, awkward first date talking I was so cold I could no longer squeeze my butt together to hold in my toots and I had to poop like you wouldn't believe. On a side note the reason I didn't opt to get a drink inside somewhere was because than I wouldn't have an out and I didn't want to go in a bathroom while he was waiting because as I just never know what kind of time you'll need to invest.

So two hours later I couldn't feel my toes and couldn't hold in my farts. I had to cut out. I made up some excuse about needing to get ready for a birthday party than asked him to "hug it out." Yes, those were my words that's why I put them in quotes. It is probably also why I'm single.

Follow Up: I got home and pooped and it was delightful. I do have a second date. I have no photo I was comfortable with sharing on this post.