Monday, May 3, 2010

Boobing the clergy

I have a secret for all three of my dedicated readers...NYC subways are crowded. Shhhh, come on let's keep this between friends. Even though I knew this little tidbit I am still constantly surprised when I get crammed into a small subway car on a weekday morning. Well this particular weekday morning must have been orchestrated by the Baby Jesus himself, because I have no other explanations for it.

A Thursday or two ago I was headed onto a cramped 1 train in the early morn' about 9:30 or so. I had a work party after work, so I had my lip gloss poppin' and my work-friendly slut gear on. As I enter the train I am sort of shoved on the train. This is not all that abnormal, but today I was pushed right into a dudes arm (as he held onto the subway bar) that happened to fall right below my breasts, so that they were quite literally perched on this poor guys arm. I looked around and tried to back up, but nothing, could not move anywhere. We gave each other an awkward, "yes, I know my boobs are 'on' your arm" look, but he was courteous enough to try move since I could not.

We were all finally able to adjust a little and he was able to hold onto the subway pole behind him, but I noticed as he turned around he has a "Princeton Theological Seminary," backpack on. Perfect! I looked at the sky and said God, it's me Jules, and I finally realize why I was given large breasts.

At least I can say that I finally blessed a priest, as I myself, have been blessed by them throughout my life. See God, I give back to the community too!

P.S. Once again I just googled "boobs priest" and this popped up, so I'm going with it.

Friday, March 19, 2010

St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Drunk 22 year olds

So being unemployed can be inspiring. I would like to say it has inspired me to play bingo, learn a trade, or do something crafty. Instead it inspired me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day on the actual holiday.

Now this sounds very fun in theory. Goin' out, getting drizzunk, throwing small plastic cups at taxi cabs...

Well I bought a cheap ticket to this pub crawl on Groupon. The pub crawl was Friday night, Saturday, and St Pat's. I skipped Friday, but I had a group of friends going on Saturday. I got a gig last minute for Saturday, so by the time I met up with my friends they were wasted and I was never going to be as drunk as they were.

Due to my cheapness and the need to feel like I spent my money appropriately I decided to try and go to the Wednesday portion of said pub crawl.

I was the only one with a ticket for Wednesday, so I went by myself. I walked in to a super loud club-y bar known as "The Yard." I was really only interested in the $3 drafts (cheap in NYC mind you) only to find out that they were sold in glorified Dixie cups. Since I really only had the goal of being kinda drunk, these baby beers were not going to work. I paid $5 for some coronas, two to be exact, and then remembered that I was alone in a bar drinking.

So, I did what anyone alone at a bar drinking would do...I went into the bathroom and chugged my beers so I could leave immediately and not have to talk to anyone dressed like a Marine (well, to be fair they were probably real Marines, but I didn't want to talk to them nonetheless). After leaving the bathroom with an underwhelming buzz I made my way through the crowd of wasted 20 year olds making out with each other and dry humping on the dance floor. It was only 8pm. I don't think I've ever felt more old in my whole life. All I could think about was the fact that I had just been accepted to a great grad school and I was watching people in Celtics jerseys do it on the dance floor. I knew that I would not make it out of this bar with any dignity, so I decided to wait for my friends outside.

After craftily dodging the drunk creepy men at The Yard I met up with some friends and proceeded to have a pretty good time. Thank God I can sleep until 1pm the next day! Being unemployed can sometimes be a hard job.