New Year, New You

Well hello 2009! I can't believe it's already 2009. I think the last three to four years of my life have flown by at a scary pace. I will start by saying New Years wasn't that fun as usual. Each and every year I prep myself to have an amazing New Years Eve. I pay too much to hang out at a bar with friends or with people I don't know and then I am let down in the end. Not because my friends aren't fun...they are, but honestly we hang out at a bar typically so why pay more money to do the same thing and have a random countdown at some point in the evening. Whatevs, next year I'm just going to hang out with the hobos for free and I'll bring some snacks so they'll like me more.

Beyond New Years Eve the year has been good these other 7 days. I'm trying to get into grad school and although I sucked up the entrance exam (I'm counting that as being a part of 2008 even though it was actually the 2nd of January) I've had a great year. My job is going well, my apartment is cleaner than it used to be and no hobos have flashed me yet. I would say it has been quite successful thus far.

As everyone typically does, I too, have decided on some New Year's resolutions. Here goes...

1. Work out more (I have become a blob in the last year)

2. Get into grad school

3. Stop getting flashed by hobos

4. Be be nicer to hobos

5. Work harder (I am lazy by nature)

6. Somehow talk to Tina Fey (or wait outside her apartment and yell (or throw) (soft) things at her)

7. Keep up with my amazing blog better

8. Continue to use bad and badder grammar so my dad's head explodes when I speak to him (haha that one's for you Dad :) )

9. Write my first novela -- about a love child named Divine

10. Become a drug addict, then go to rehab, then talk about how I had a drug habit, but I went to rehab all in an effort to get famous and sell more books

11. Write down more resolutions throughout the year that I will never actually complete.

12. Watch more Oprah, she inspires me to love myself and Dr. Oz makes me think I'm going to die tomorrow.

Well I think that's it for today. Come back again soon, because I promise to keep this updated.

Happy New Year!!!! Send me your resolutions that you'll never complete too!
Jules

Historical Hobos...

Well you had to know it would be just a matter of time before hobos once again became a part of my blog.  And lucky for you (my readers and fans) it is exactly that time!!  Woohoo!

So, in my very interesting neighborhood there is a half-way house/homeless home of some sort.  Often times the residents of said "home" hang out outside and say weird things to the people as they walk past.  Most of the time they ask for things, but today it was a very special historic fact that I was tossed.

As I stroll past my local McDonalds deciding whether or not I should go in my hobo friend slurs at me that today is the anniversary of JFK's assassination.  At first I didn't know what she said and I just thought to myself, "that lady is crazy in the brain," (think of me saying it in a sassy voice).  However, after processing what she actually said I realized that in fact she was sharing with me a delightful historical factoid!

I keep track of historical dates and what not and this one just completely slipped my mind.  I need to appreciate my local hobos more often because sometimes I just don't know what I would do without them.  God Bless us everyone. 

On a side note I have a little conspiracy theory that I stole from Strangers With Candy (the best show ever made).  Stephen Colbert says that Fidel Castro dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and gave Kennedy a case of syphilis so bad it blew the back of his head off.  Chew on that one.

The Pick Up Artist

Well I'm not sure if any of you enjoy crappy VH1 shows as much as I do, but I want to take this time to reflect upon the show, "The Pick Up Artist."  For those of you that don't know this show is about some creepy dude who has apparently figured out how to trick women into sleeping with him with no strings attached.  He wrote a book and now he has a show where he takes 9 socially retarded young men and teaches them how to have random sex with women who are dumb enough to fall for their tricks.  There are so many things wrong with this show I don't know where to start, but I suppose the fact that the man teaching these guys looks like a douche with his painted nails and goggles (no, he's not a swimmer) is a start.

I will start by saying I'm not sure who falls for "Mystery," the teachers fake name on the show.  He wears fuzzy hats, chain link shirts, and goggles that serve no purpose.  Maybe this is cute to some women, but I'm over it.  If he approached me in a bar I can safely say that no matter what he said I would still think he was a douche, but that's just me.  On top of that his whole schtick is teaching these sweet young dudes how to not be yourself and by doing that women will sleep with you.

I know dating is a game, I get that, but I think that the "art" of picking up women is ridiculous.  Obviously there's some validity to it or these dudes wouldn't have a show, but really who are the women this crap works on?  

So, the moral of the story is watching crappy TV will make you think about life and then you will be a better person...or something.  

Lady poops a little

Well I must digress from my typical facebook political rants because my sister will divorce me from being her sister if I blog about such things. So what's best after politics...poop I say!

I know this is gross, but since only four people read this none of them being my mom I think it's a fair topic. Dr. Oz (from Oprah's show) says that your poop is the greatest way to really look at your health. If your poop is off odds are you are off too! Well that brings me to my next point my poop is off, therefore, I am off.

I have digestive "issues" to say the least. I don't get to poop too often, so when I do it's quite an event. Have you ever waited all day for something so special and then when it comes you get that giddy joyous feeling that only cake can bring a fat kid? Well that's what pooping, or poopong when I'm texting, is like for me. I know pooping is so gross and overrated to you, but honestly when you don't get to do it when you want it becomes an important event. One that you value and enjoy contemplating. So appreciate your poops because they are like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're gonna get.

(Let me also add that this was the LEAST offensive picture that shows up when you google image poop. If you think I'm sick for blogging about it, you should check out the people that put their own poop online).

Whatevs...

Ugh...I'm so over this election crap. I am tired of people misconstruing anger for passion and frustration for being over emotional. Isn't this exactly how groups of people who were fed up with an existing situations have been treated continuously over time? I'm not comparing my frustration with the Civil Rights Era, but typically people are able to cry "crazy or emotional" when they want to invalidate and ignore peoples feelings. They did it then and they do it now.

It seems to me if more people paid attention to what was going on in the world they would be passionate and emotional too. It's not that it runs our lives or takes the thoughts of our every waking moment, but we think about it yes...as well we should. If we don't care, who will? I too, am intimidated by overly passionate political folk, but I'm not really sure I consider myself to be one of those people. I will vote and I will spread the word, but I choose to spend my time helping people makes their lives better in small ways. I'm not the go out on the street and yell type despite what some people may think.

People need to wake up and pay more attention then things like housing crisis' and poorly planned occupations wouldn't "sneak up on us."

I promise to be funnier after this blog, but I had to get some things off my chest.

Ugh...Palin

So I thought I would try to keep this blog apolitical, but since really only about three people read it I don't think it's that big of a deal. Basically I need to whine about this Palin woman. Anyone that knows me or reads my Facebook status knows I can't stand her. She is the epitome of a woman who has used and abused feminism and its ideals only to CRAP on the progress women have fought long and hard to make.

Gloria Steinem and Suheir Hammad wrote an article about feminism that described feminists as, "women who actively promote the advancement of the interests of other women, not just the narcissistic advancement of themselves." It could not have been stated any better. Palin is the definition of a woman who promotes the "narcissistic advancement of herself." The woman is unbelievable. She claims family values and God and Jesus and the like when her 17 year old is knocked up! Judgemental...oh hell yes and I am okay with that. It's not good for 17 year olds to be having babies...sorry, it's just not.

I am not sure why women seem to see her as a role model. She seems to be just playing in the boys club, but telling the public she's a "maverick." Please. She's transparent and blatantly self interested to me. In addition to these things she does not seem intelligent enough to handle the job that she could potentially be elected for. I mean really, don't we deserve a vice president that knows where Iraq is! Perhaps that is a gross overstatement...maybe she did know where Iraq was before her two month cram session, but I would bet money that she did not.

Okay rant over. Perhaps besides her clear lack of knowledge there's no substantial reason not to put her in office, but at any rate she is a disappointment to women and I don't care that she is a governor or has been mayor of a small town. I suppose on some level progress is progress, but I think it's morally questionable when you try to rip down the rights of the very people that got you to your position in the first place.

I refuse to put a photo of this twit up, so instead I will put up a photo of a guilty puppy...the way she should feel about the idea of being elected vice president.

Newyorkification

I have been in New York going on four years now, a long and short four years all at the same time. I am finally genuinely feeling at home and enjoying it. I feel like New York is a place that you will always love and hate. It takes some time to get used to subways, urine smells, hobos outside your apartment, creepy men constantly jeering at you, everything being crowded all of the time, I could go on, but I will stop. There comes a time (for me it was about three years) when you just come to accept these things as "New York," and you appreciate them for what they are.

I don't mean to hate on NYC, which I have done so many times in my years living here, there are myriad of amazing things about this city. For such a small island the city holds so much. I get why people say they never want to leave. There are the greatest museums, amazing restaurants, any interest group you could ever want, central park, and even more. It's sort of like the city you hate living in, but you love visiting so much you don't leave.

I feel like my newyorkification has really set in. I am voting for Obama, I have hit a cab (I hit a cab with my fist because it almost hit me. Yes, it did hurt), and I go to Starbucks at least once a day. I don't think my midwesterness will ever leave me, it still lurks beneath my tough exterior. I still wouldn't even call myself a "New Yorker," but I have embraced this city for what it is and I like it...finally.